UPR SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW
ELEMENT - GOVERNMENTIUM
by The Star Staff
The San Juan Star
May 26, 2005
The Biology Department of the
Governmentium
has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held
together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact.
A minute amount of
Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it
would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life
of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium mass will
actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of
moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money,
Governmentium becomes Gabinetum, an element which radiates just as much energy,
since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.