EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out
to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off
her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several
cabs and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to
be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I
heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with
one of his medications. ' Which one ?' I asked. 'The
patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm
running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of
complete confusion she answered ' Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
and while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered. It
was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a
tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, had to mow the
lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To
cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I
looked up from my work and sheepishly said ' I'm sorry. Was
I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her
cheeks from laughing so hard 'No doctor but the song you
were whistling was ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first
exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well,
strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He
pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor
said, 'No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I
came.'